Saturday, May 05, 2012

my unwanted acquaintance, part 7

<< Warning: this post is pretty heavy. Proceed with caution. >>

How can I describe being in the midst of a deep depression?


If I had to summarize it into one word, I would choose the word "hell".

About two weeks after visiting my doctor, the reality of what had happened finally sunk in. The anxiety started disappearing and instead I slowly declined into darkness.

I hate remembering this time of life. I wish I could just forget it. But as I'm sure you can tell, this blogging is more for me than my readers. I'm finding it quite therapeutic to write out everything that happened. So I must type out what my depression was like.

First of all, you are not yourself. I was not Sarah. Sarah loves life and is full of joy. If I was on the outside looking in, I wouldn't even recognize myself.

This depressed person cried every single day. For hours and hours. In the fetal position. She sobbed as if her heart would break.

This depressed person could not eat. She had no appetite. She literally had to force herself to eat bites of food to keep going. And as she ate, she cried because it all tasted like nothing. She lost 13 pounds in 10 days.

Because of not eating, this depressed person had no energy. She was lethargic. She couldn't work out to raise endorphins. She could barely go for a walk.

This depressed person could not sleep. She would dread bedtime. Because she knew as soon as the lights went out, her mind would be filled of thoughts of failure and guilt and sadness and loss of identity and fear of the future and the grief of a dream being gone forever. And if she could sleep, her body and mind would wake her up at 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. in the morning. The sleep deprivation made every day seem worse.

This depressed person did not want to do anything. She had friends and hobbies. But suddenly, she had no desire to do anything or see anyone. She retreated into her darkness.

It could be the sunniest day of the year, but this depressed person felt blackness. All felt dark and dismal.

This depressed person felt worthless. She had no direction. No idea for the future. No one would want her.

She felt helpless. No one could help her. She was at the bottom of a slimy well and could not climb out.

She felt hopeless. Life was always going to feel like this from now on. It would never get better. No hope.

One night, this depressed person was trying to go to sleep in a bed in her parents' home. After weeks and months of despair, anguish, and grief, a horrible thought went through her mind. What if she died? This was too painful. If this was life, she didn't want to live anymore. The pain was too much. And if she died, she could escape from all the pain and be with her Jesus. In heaven there is no pain, no tears, no depression. She would be with her Savior and be free.

That's why I would describe my depression as hell. I felt separated from my Jesus for eternity. I was in darkness and had no hope.

One day I was reading my bible, desperate to find something to bring me comfort.

(-- before Jesus was crucified --)

Mark 14:32-36 "They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, 'Sit here while I pray.' He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them. 'Stay here and keep watch.' Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. 'Abba, Father,' he said, 'everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.'" 

Luke 22:44 "And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground."

I know it might sound strange to find comfort in Christ's suffering, but here is what was going through my head:

Wait. Jesus had felt what I was feeling? My God knew what I was going through because he had experienced it as well? 

I wasn't alone?

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